The Existential Crisis
by hellomynameismarcy
Summary: One night, Dan Howell freaks out. He hates what he's doing with his life and he just wants to be happy. And right now, the only person that can do that is Jay.
1. Chapter 1

I'm sitting on the couch playing Mario Kart with Phil, and Dan is studying for an exam. How can he study that crap? I can hardly imagine him enjoying law.

"I am so going to beat you." Phil says.

He is in 1st place and I'm in 2nd.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" I click on my power-up, which is a mushroom that makes you go faster.  
I beat Phil by five seconds "Ha, I win!"

We start lauging when Dan stands up and throws his papers on the floor.

"I'm not going to do this anymore!" he shouts.

"Do what?" Phil looks confused. I'm a little confused myself.  
"I'm not going do it. They can't make me do it, right? I'm not going, I'm just not going to do this anymore."

"Go where, Dan?" I ask.

"My exams." His face is red.

"Dan, you have to go to your exam." Phil says.

"Not if I don't give a fuck anymore!" Dan shouts.

He turns around and looks at us. And to my surprise he starts...crying. I have know Dan for two years now, and even before we started dating, he never let me see him cry. He sinks to the floor and covers his face with his hands. His shoulders slump and he lets his head hang. I run over to him and pull his hands away.  
"What's wrong Dan?" I say quietly.

"Jay, please go." I stop and I feel surprised.

But I pick up my bag and go, trying not to slam the door. I don't know why I'm angry, I completely understand why he asked me to go. Then I remember. I live here. I open the door and see Phil trying to get Dan to stand up. I walk to my room and close the door, only leaving it open slightly.


	2. Chapter 2

"Dan, calm down. I know uni sucks but-"

Dan interupts Phil and says "It's not about disliking school Phil! I hate what I'm doing with my life! Law is so boring it doesn't appeal to me in any way and I want to go back and change all of this but it's too late to go back and make other choices-"

Now Phil interupts Dan, "Okay, how about you call in tomorrow and say you have a family emergency?" Phil pauses and I think Dan agrees. "Good. I'll go and get Jay."

I back away from the door quickly and sit on my bed, pretending to mess with my IPhone. Phil walks in and I act like I wasn't expecting him to come in at all. He motions for me to come out and I follow him through the hallway and down the many flights of stairs that we have. I walk into the kitchen, where Dan is now sitting, and sit down next to him. He quickly wipes the tears from his eyes and looks down. I reach into my bag, which is still slung over my shoulder, and pull out the box of Maltesers that I bought earlier. I place the box on his lap and he looks up at me.

"You know me too well, Jay" He says laughing.  
I kiss him on the cheek and we get up. We walk into the living room where Phil is failing to play Guitar Hero. To my surprise, it's a My Chemical Romance song. Dan smiles at me and he grabs a guitar and I grab the mic. I know the entire song by heart.

"What's the worst thing I could say?  
Would it mattered if I stayed?  
So long and goodnight  
So long and goodnight."


	3. Chapter 3

I shift the laundry basket's weight onto my right arm, and I knock on Dan's door with my right. I don't hear an answer, so I set the basket down and open up the bedroom door. He isn't here. For the past week, Dan hasn't come out of his room. I go around the corner to find him just lying in the middle of the hallway. His eyes are blank and empty. I sit on my knees and look at him. It breaks my heart to see him that way.

*Dan's POV*

How did I get to this point? I wanted to be an actor, why did I change my mind? I could have been happy...  
"Dan?" I hear Jay whisper.  
I don't move. I just stare at the ceiling. Jay grabs my hand.  
"Dan..please talk to me."  
I finally sit up but I have nothing to say. I look at her eyes and I can see that she's worried about me. I'm such an idiot. Somehow I managed to get this beautiful girl in my life and now I'm causing her so much pain. I don't see why she is staying with me. She could have a guy like Phil, who is happy and better than me alltogether. I wrap my arms around her neck and she does the same. I feel her tears form a tiny puddle on my skin and I feel terrible. I could have been so happy. If I hadn't been a stupid seventeen year-old...  
"I love you, you know that right?" she says.  
I nod my head and kiss her. I know she loves me. I know she cares about me. I think about when we first met. We were great friends, but I had always had a sort of crush on her. Eh, that sounds like we were twelve. I don't know how else to put it. I remember how the first thing I saw was her eyes. They were a dark blue and they stood out. We ended up liking all of the same things from video games to books and even movies. Her hair was dyed the same shade as her eyes. That scared me at first, along with her snake bite piercings. I guess I never really had a girlfriend in highschool, or many friends. She was the one who introduced me to my only group of good friends. That was my last year of highschool, and it was one of the best. I felt like I fit in.


	4. Chapter 4

I stand up and curl my hand around Jay's. She smiles at me and I smile back, trying to make it look genuine. But I'm not happy. We walk back down into the living room and sit down at the couch. I look over the tall stack of video game boxes and say,  
"Who wants to play video games?" mimicking BMO from Adventure Time.  
She laughs and pulls out "Legend of Zelda". We play for hours, laughing and having fun. Phil eventually comes out of his room and throws a pillow at us for not telling him that we were playing video games.  
"How about we watch a film? It's beginning to get dark." Jay suggests.  
Phil and I nod and she pulls a DVD out of the pile of films that she brought when she moved in.  
"Lets watch V for Vendetta!" She smiles and her eyes light up.  
It was one of those things that she got obsessed with for a really long time. I love when she gets that excited. I nod my head and she put the DVD in the player. Phil turns out the lights and joins us on the couch. I laugh as she repeats the first line.  
Remember, remember the fifth of November.  
I'm on the edge of my seat for the whole of the film, it's brilliant. As the credits begin to role, Jay looks at me and smiles.  
"So did you like it?"  
"Is that a question? It was amazing." I say.  
She looks like she's about to say something else, but she gets a worried look on her face.  
"What's wrong?" I ask.  
"Damn it, I forgot to put the laundry away."  
Phil and I laugh as she runs off to where she left the basket. A few minutes later, I'm upstairs heading to my bedroom. Jay is still inside putting clothes away and I say,  
"You don't have to do that. I can put those away." I reach for the half empty basket, but she swats my hand away.  
"You should relax, let me do it." I hear worry in her voice.  
"I'm okay." I pick up her hand and kiss her fingertips.  
She sighs, but kisses me and walks out. I hear a quiet goodnight as she walks down the hall. I pull my shirt off and crawl into bed. I wish I really was okay. I close my eyes and slowly drift off.


	5. Chapter 5

I say goodbye to the camera and turn it off. Is it weird that I told the fans first? Eh, oh well. I walk into the kitchen and sit down next to Jay, who's eating a bowl of cereal. Phil sits on the other side of the table but he isn't eating anything. He's just responding to fan tweets.  
"I've decided to drop out of Uni." I say quickly.  
I don't know why I'm so nervous. I know they will support me. Jay is just staring at me and I laugh to myself as the cereal from her spoon spills back into the bowl. She looks like a shocked cartoon character. I look over at Phil and his expression is confused.  
Jay finally snaps out of it and says "I think it's for the better. I mean, you just started your radio show and you have your youtube channel. You weren't happy at school and it broke my heart to see you so upset."  
Phil nods in agreement and I see the worry in their eyes lift. I hold Jay's hand underneath the table and she smiles her perfect smile. Later, Jay and I go out for lunch. I'm taking the last few bites of my burger when a twelve year old girl runs up to us.  
"You're Dan Howell!" She sounds American.  
I swallow my lunch and take a sip of water. I stand up and give her a hug and she looks up at me, shocked by my height.  
"Wow, you are really tall." She says.  
I laugh and give her another hug. She is about to run off when she sees Jay. My eyes focus on the girl and I start to get nervous. I know how the fans can be.  
"You're Dan's girlfriend, Jay! You are so pretty! You guys are perfect together."  
I sigh in relief. In the end, the danosaurs always come through. Along with Phil and Jay, they really helped me out. The girl runs off and I tap my fingers on the table as Jay finishes her lunch. By the time she's done, I'm humming "Toxic" by Britney Spears. Why is it so damn catchy?  
"Baby can't you see? I'm calling." Jay sings. I laugh and take her hand.  
We walk up to the front and pay. I hold open the door for her and we walk out to a very warm and sunny London.  
"Oh my god. It isn't raining for once. I think this deserves a vlog." I say.  
Jay looks at me like I'm insane.  
"Dan, you hardly ever use your second channel. You vlog even less."  
I laugh and we sit down on the nearest bench. I pull out my Iphone and we smile into the camera.  
"Hello internet, I'm in central London with the bestest person in the world. And yes, I know that bestest isn't a word."  
"Hi guys!" Jay waves at the camera.  
Her blue hair falls in front of her face. I push it behind her ear and kiss her on the cheek. The fans will go nuts. In all honesty, I don't know why I was so nervous. The danosaurs adore her. She blushes and I wrap my arm around her.  
"I just wanted to say that it isn't raining in London for once. I think that's worth a vlog. Oh, and the new Dan and Phil t-shirts are out. And PlayList Live is going to be here next week. I can't wait to meet you guys. Well that's about it..."  
"Dan, you need something to talk about if you're going to vlog." Jay says.  
I poke her cheek and she giggles. I smile and we say goodbye, and the vlog ends.


	6. Chapter 6

*Jay's POV*  
I scroll down and look at the comments of Dan's vlog. I smile as I read "Jay and Dan are perfect together :)". But one comment catches my attention. "I sooo ship Day. The tag already has so many entries.". I go on tumblr and search up Dan Howell and the first recommencation is "Dan Howell and Jay Carter.". I click on it and the first thing I see is a post about "Phan" the Dan and Phil ship. It says that they don't have to end the ship just because Jay and Dan are dating. I laugh and scroll down. There is some amazing fan art and some really disturbing fanfiction, but that's just tumblr. Dan walks through the front door with bags from Tesco in his hands.  
"What's that?" He says, struggling with all the bags.  
I get up and take some of the bags and say "The Day tag on tumblr."  
Dan laughs and says "Let me guess. Amazing fan art, weird gifs, and really disturbing fanfiction."  
"All of the above." I shut off my computer and walk into the kitchen to set the bags down.  
We start putting things away and discuss dinner.  
"I could make something healthy for once." Dan says.  
Phil walks into the kitchen and whines "Noo, I want junk food."  
We mean to make healthy food, but we just order pizza.  
"It's about 6:30 now, I'll go get the order." I grab my jacket and head out the door.

I watch as the sun dips into the horizon and the sky becomes dark. Why is the place so far away? I see an alleyway that would offer a quick short cut and start walking down it. I get about halfway down and realize that this wasn't a good decision. I hear footsteps behind me and I start to run faster. The foot steps get faster and before I can get across the ally, something hard hits my head and I black out.

*Dan's POV*

"It's been an hour Phil, why isn't she back yet?" Jay has been gone for awhile, the pizza place has called twice and asked if we were going to pick up our order.  
We just told them someone was on there way. It usually only takes me ten minutes to get there, where is she? I'm just about to dial the pizza place and ask if she's there when it starts raining.  
"That's it, I'm going to find her." I say, standing up.  
"I'm going with you." Phil says.  
I grab an umbrella, and we head out. I'm about halfway there when I notice something shining at the end of an alleyway. We slowly walk down it until I see what the glint of light is. It's Jay's necklace that I gave her for her birthday last year. I run towards her and see that she's lying in a puddle of blood.  
"P-Phil, call the p-police!" I stutter.  
He pulls out his phone and in a few minutes the ambulance is here. I'm holding tightly to Jay's hand and my hands are covered in blood. But I hold her hand the entire way to the hospital, just staring at her pale skin. I look over her and think about the last time I saw her. She grabbed her coat and left. I could have stopped her, I should have known. It was getting dark, she shouldn't have been walking alone. We arrive at the hospital and Phil and I are left in the front room, waiting for a doctor to give us news. I can only imagine the worst. I think about the doctors solemn expression when he tells us that she didn't make it. I think about watching her casket being lowered into the ground. I'm lost in thought when the doctor actually does come in.  
"She's going to be alright."  
I sigh in relief. She isn't going to die.  
"What happened to her? Why was she bleeding?" Phil asks.  
I remember washing the blood off of my hands and shiver.  
"She has three stab wounds. Two on her right side and one on her leg."  
I try and hold back the tears. I guess that was a little strange about me, I've always been one to cry when any other guy would just feel...inside emotions. I don't know how else to put it.  
"Can I see her?" There is nothing more I want.  
The doctor nods her head and I almost run into the room. Jay is asleep, so I try and be quiet. I pull a chair up next to the bed, and hold her hand in mine.

*Jay's POV*

I hear voices but I can't quite make them out. I open my eyes and the room I'm in is complete white. Am I dead?  
"Jay, you're awake!" I hear a female voice say.  
No, I'm not dead. But who is the voice? Is it...Carrie? I haven't seen her in awhile.  
"Where's Dan?" I try to say, but my throat really hurts.  
Carrie sits down in the chair next to the bed I'm in, and I realize that I'm in the hospital. She picks up my hand and says  
"Jay, you're in the hospital. Daniel is fine, it's you who needs to be worried about."  
"Carrie, where is he?"  
She tells me he's in the front room talking to his parents. I pull the tubes out of my arm and wince in pain.  
"I don't think that's-"  
I interrupt her, "I need to do this."  
She looks at me for a moment and she understands. I stand up and almost fall. I'm able to regain my balance. I take a few steps and a flash of pain goes through me each time. But I keep going. I make it to the elevator and press the button that will take me to the main floor of the hospital. I realize that I'm still in a hospital gown and everyone will see my knickers. Bloody hell, I don't care at this point. Finally the doors open and I see Dan on the other side of the room. I start running and it hurts, oh my god, it hurts. But I need to have his arms around me.  
"Dan!" I call out when I get in his sights.  
He turns around and runs over to me. He picks me up and spins me around. He kisses me before he sets me down and then realizes how much pain I must be in.  
"That must have hurt like hell. Sorry. But you're awake!"  
He kisses me again and I see his parents smiling.

***Carrie is another youtuber from the channel "itswaypastmybedtime". I've decided to do more with Dan and Jay, I really like them as a couple.***


	7. Chapter 7

*Dan's POV*

I carry the glass of water upstairs to Jay's room. It breaks my heart to see her all connected to wires and such but it will be over soon. I knock on the door and hear a quiet "Come in."  
I walk in and place the water on her nightstand, right within her reach.  
"Why aren't you dressed?" She asks.  
"I...forgot." I realize I just woke up in my boxers and went to give her the water.  
"How do you forget something like that?" She laughs.  
I laugh and walk out the door. I walk down stairs and into the living room to get some clothes out of the clothes basket. They should be put away but I just usually sit on the internet all day.  
"Hello Daniel." I hear.  
I turn around and see that Jay's parents are standing in the doorway. Phil must have let them in. Shit. I'm almost completley naked in front of my girlfriend's parents. Smooth move, Dan.  
"I'll just be a moment..." I say.  
I grab a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and run up the stairs. I get dressed and run back down.  
"You're here to see Jay, right?" I ask.  
They nod their heads and I lead them up to her room. Her parents never come to visit, I wish they would've called first. I kind of just stand in the corner until I hear her parents mention my name.  
"So how is school going for you Daniel?" Her mother asks.  
I look over at Jay and she has a worried look on her face.  
"I...dropped out." I say.  
Her father's face turns into a look of disapproval. I awkwardly inch out of the room and run into the kitchen when I'm out of sight. I'm such an idiot. Yeah, of course they will support a kid who's job is blogging. About thirty minutes later her parents storm out of the door without saying goodbye. I run back upstairs and go into Jay's room.  
"So..what happened?"  
"Typical parent stuff." She says.  
I sigh and sit on the edge of her bed. I brush the hair out of her face and she smiles at me. I wish she never got hurt. I hate to see her stuck in her bed like that.


End file.
